Starting when I found out I became pregnant, I was over the moon I couldn't wait to tell My partner, my mum and my friends!
Throughout out my pregnancy felt sick a lot but knowing I was going to be a mum helped me through, thinking about how my daughter would grow up to be as silly as me and that we would dance, sing and laugh together, lots of thoughts of how amazing she would be.
A week after my due date I am due to get induced, I had butterflies, I was laughing, I was just so excited and scared for labour - but as I walked to the bus stop to get to the hospital with my wee suit case and my partner I couldn't be more happier.
At the hospital, the midwife tried to put the heart monitor on my belly but it doesn't seem to be working but oh well my daughter is just being awkward. More midwifes come and try something else, still my daughter continues to be in a awkward position for the heart monitor.
They tell me I need a scan because the baby might have moved or something - so I get in the room with a doctor now and he's looking... And looking... And looking... Still I think everything is fine, nothing can happen to my little girl.
My partner then finally asks if everything is OK?
"I'm sooo sorry... There's not a heartbeat" what? Noo.. He's definitely wrong. He then says he will get someone to make sure... Oh well then he's obviously made a mistake. The other doctor will correct him. "I'm very sorry but there's not a heartbeat"
WHAT! I then break down. The baby I grew in my belly for 9 months is gone? Being told I have to give birth naturally and have my daughter in my belly sleeping for at least another night! Time for me then stood still... People came and went, family cried everyone cried.. I cried then I just stopped.
She's still alive. Something could be done when she's born. Yes definitely! So for the next day or so I was fine. I felt fine.. Until she was born on 27th of October 2016...
The scream that came from me when she got put in my arms you only see in movies. But she didn't scream or cry or move. Still. My beautiful baby girl Ruby was just still.
The pain of knowing she actually died hurt so much the pain just ripped me apart. My partner by my side in tears I could tell he wanted her but I needed her with me. The next few days weren't so bad, taking photos, spending time with her, bathing her, changing her, falling asleep together and holding hands. It was really nice and I will remember every second. So many nice memories.
But It was time to leave. I could stay longer but I will had to go eventually. I kiss her goodbye because I will come back! But the car journey home is so painful I want to go back but I can't show my emotions.
Over the next week we see her a few more times, making sure she's all nice and tucked in her bed with kisses goodbye. We sort the funeral invite family, make sure she's looking perfect before we say our last goodbye. But now it's all over we don't have anything to organise and I am at home alone after my partner has to go back to work. I miss her - I need her back with me. I don't want to be here without her. I will love her always and forever and I hope she knew that.
A year later I then lost my baby boy Logan at 21weeks, he had spina bifita and I will always think about him and love him always but that's another story.
Another year has passed and I have my rainbow daughter Ivy. I love her with all my heart. But there's never ever a day that goes past that I don't think about my first born beautiful daughter Ruby or my son Logan.