In January 2004 to my surprise and shock I discovered I was pregnant. It was completely unplanned this as we were busy arranging our forthcoming wedding on 24th April. Looking back now I am glad that our baby shared our very special day with us.

After our big day we settled into home life, and as like any first time mum I was counting the weeks, reading all about the different stages of my baby’s development, marvelling at the changes to my body, and of course wondering is it a boy or girl? My pregnancy progressed well until about 28 weeks when I started to show early signs of pre-eclampsia, however with careful monitoring I got to 32 weeks at which stage I spent a short spell in hospital, after two days I was back home again with the midwife calling every two to three days. 

At this stage all was going well and I was now 35 weeks pregnant and on 4th September the midwife called in the morning to do her normal checks, on this particular morning all appeared to be well until she went to monitor the baby’s heartbeat and couldn’t pick it up. I was not alarmed at this stage as I thought it was just because of the position the baby that the midwife had problems picking up the heartbeat. 

My husband, Ruairi, and I made the journey to hospital where I was placed on the monitor, by this stage I was getting more concerned as there had been no movement and still no heartbeat. The midwife then suggested we move into the next room where there was a scanner. She returned with the senior house officer who proceeded to scan me. Looking back now at this stage I knew there was something very wrong. When I asked the senior house officer if she could see anything, she just said that she wasn’t sure and would have to get the consultant who was on duty, to check. At this stage both the midwife and senior house officer left the room, leaving just Ruairi and I. The way in which he looked at me with tears in his eyes is one which I will never forget because at this stage I knew we had lost our baby. Both the midwife and senior house officer returned into the room with Dr Marshall (some one who later would become a great support for me) and all I remember after that was the look on everyone’s faces and the words spoken by Dr Marshall which were “this is not good, not good at all”.

Even now nearly two years later I still can’t remember leaving that room, my next memory is of Ruairi and myself sitting in the car trying to take in what had just happened, and trying to build up the courage to phone our families with the awful news that our baby had fallen asleep. This task I had to leave to Ruairi, as I just couldn’t face anyone. Returning into the hospital we were shown to a private room where another senior house officer came to explain what would happen next.

The next day passed in a blur for me. Family, friends and especially hospital staff were very kind to both Ruairi and myself but we just couldn’t take in the fact that our baby was dead and at this stage I still had to give birth.  I did not want to do so naturally, but the doctor had explained that I did not have an option which at the time I thought was very cruel making me have to go through labour, but however I would later realise it was to be one of the most cherished experiences of my life. 

On the morning of 6th September 2004 I was taken down to the labour ward with Ruairi and my mum. There I met my midwife Mary (someone else who became a great support) and my labour was induced. When asked about my labour I can only honestly say it was one of the best experiences of my life and even though we were aware of what the end result would be, throughout the whole experience there was a sense of calm and a very pleasant atmosphere thanks to everyone there.

That evening at 7.50pm I gave birth to our son. Initially my feelings were ones of fear; not knowing what to expect but the proudest moment in my life was when I looked over and saw Ruairi cuddling our son. Looking at him it was so hard to believe that he was never going to wake up. Of course he was the image of his father and perfect in every way weighing 6lb 4oz. We named our son John Adam only to be called Adam.

My only regret about that night was not being able to cuddle Adam, Ruairi, my mum and all the nurses had a cuddle but for me I just couldn’t do it. Later that night, Ruairi, Adam and I were all in a private room. The nurses had dressed Adam and placed him in a moses basket and this quiet, private time with just the three of us was very much appreciated.

Early next morning, with my midwife Mary and a close friend Marguerite was the first time I cuddled Adam. Having held him I didn’t want to let him go, and couldn’t accept the fact that a baby so perfect looking in every way wasn’t going to waken up. Close family gathered to cuddle and spend time with Adam which was a very special time for everyone especially grandparents, as for Ruairi’s parents this was their first grandchild. After every one else had gone it was time for us to say goodbye. This was very hard and looking at our perfect, beautiful, much wanted wee boy I literally thought my heart was going to break.

On the morning of 9th September we took Adam home and buried him within the grounds of the church where just a few months earlier we had been married, this little service was attended by just a few close friends and family. It was intimate and personal just the way we wanted it.

Adam will always be my first born child and I feel very privileged to have been blessed with my very own wee angel in heaven, and as the words which are inscribed on his headstone say we will carry you forever in our hearts love mum and dad. xx

Caroline

On the 4th October 2005 Adam’s wee sister Emma was born